self evaluation.

i am supposed to NOT be okay
but ..
do i only think i am okay
or am i really okay.
this is a attempt to dig deeper.

to be the freakin RAW.
raw: being in natural condition; not processed or refined.

this is a attempt of transparency
transparent: obvious

that everyone i talk to expects me to be crying my eyes out.
is there something wrong w. me
or is it jus that.
there isnt anything to worry about
decisions are made
choices were made
and the only thing left is the future
the unknown

that the only thing i care about is the future
because in the now
is not how im living

but .. something sounds so wrong with that.

living in the now.
the now.
i dont know what that means.
if im living for today.
im still living for the future
i dont know what today holds.
who i will talk to today.
i dont know
who will call me
who will txt me
i dont know

so we are living for the future.

what is raw about me.
im here just as i am.
it hurts. but. why..
the onlyy reason i believe it hurts.
she isnt here to love me.
but i have friends to love me
so im okay

i dont know what everyone
is expecting from me
what does everyone want.

i can talk about things that i do know.
which is.
i miss stevie.
right now maybe im only comfortable enough.
to talk to him.
maybe because he is such a good friend that he knows what i need.

i know that.
jayce and nicko.
i cant talk to them anymore
or yet
do i have the want to talk to them.
i feel like i get no confedentiality from them.

i dont know what to blog.
im done.. for now ill try again later.