asIFeverythingwasHELDinPLACE

for nicko. im giving them a chance. and like i told him. if i listened to the cd then id probably get into them. and i feel myself getting into them.

today was an interesting dayyy.

jus having neighbors over to view the housee. was chill. and semi boring. cuz they are older but it was chill.
then i went to the youth worshipp night.
which was intensee. and veryy cool.
i felt really renewed tonight for somereason.
jus looking up at the lyrics feeling. free
i really LOVE
dancing around
jumping up and down.
and jus doing whatever for God.

HE gave me a sense of freedom tonight.

the LEAST i can do for HIM is give my all.

because i am so Blessed. :]


it really touched me today to hear jayce speak.
and i really want to talk to him more.
his story. and malea's storyy. seem so similar.

the only thing i could think of while he was talking
about forgiveness.
was UnderØath lyrics.

Good God! Can you still get us home?
How can we still get home?
I'm not dreaming
We're forgetting our forgiveness

God's LOVE
is so amazingg.
:]

I AM FORGIVEN

goodnight :]

transparency.// its just loving people.

Renee, Three Years. from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

to write love on her arms.
& malea.

have changed me in the past 2 yrs or a tad less. to the person i am now.
the more loving person that i am.

there are no words to describe.
howw much more changed i am because of twloha.


transparency. has helped me grow deeper in God by being more accoutable i guess towards others.
transparency. with others to me has helped me help others deal with their problems.

just loving people.
maybe very easy but hard at the same time.
loving someone requires forgetting the past.
and lookin the future.

and the past can be a very ugly thing.

i just hope that.
i can become more of a loving person as i get older

intent to write something deep....

...but was interupted. which leads to this blog.

today. & yesterday
ive been extraordinarly stressed. like no other before.
after all the frickin stress passes today.
around 8.
finished my hw.
smooth sailing
about to blog about twloha. and deep shizz.

malea calls me.
blah blah "i need help with math hw"
so whatever.
i have a slight clue how to do whatever she needs
so i figure out how to do it.
and she gets all frustrated cuz .. shes not gettingit.
then shes like oh i gotta go.

likee.
really?

can you
possibly
be THAT rudee. :[

girls.




whatever she ruined my peacefulness.
killed it
slaughtered it.
it was right here.
and then
SMASHEDD SUCKA!
take that RYAN!!
i really needed to be stressed out
frustrated
pissed off
again.

and a nice headachee!!
wooo!!

EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!!!


bahaha ohh the sarcasm.

:]


im out

coraline.

probably one of the best movies ive seen in a long time. probably one of my fav movies noww. maybe even my favorite movie period.
the amount of work that went into making this movie. is.. unbelievable
but most of all the theme in the movie. is what i love.
the idea that world offers you superficial needs everything you want.
but its all fake. its meaningless.
there was so much to go along with this movie.
im going to have to go buy it.
it was amazing.
period.

thats all i wanted to say for noww :]

Defenses DOWN

It Prevails. im getting into them and Holding Onto Hope now.

so my days are going by really fast this week. imloving it a lot. and school hasnt been stressful. even though im gunna have to do two projects this weekend. haha. thats my fault.

uhh tomorrow is camerons party. hope i can go. even thought temptation is gunna be knockin on my door. a lot of drinkin and shizz is gunna be going downn. but i wanna go to be w. my gf. cuz i wanna spend time w. her. and have a good time.

not much is going on in my life. jus driftinn on by now.
im gunna either get into the Bible.
or
get into a book.

either way. im getting into GOD

ive been good about norp lately. so im pretty happy about that.

i have a Bible verse chillin infront of the comp now.

"i saw all that God as done no one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Desppite all his efforts to search it out, man can not discover its meaning."
Ecclesiates 8:17


hmm thats about it.

Only YOU could pick ME up,
without thinking twice,
YOUwrapped YOUR arms
around ME

Defenses Down by It Prevails

We ARE the BEACONS

they randomly added me on myspace. so i thought id check em. and i think they are going to be my new obsession. the quality isnt that good tho. kinda like agraceful. so nicko dont waste your time.

hmm the days are going by fast this week. im lovin it. i barely got in to be able to go the the six flags trip.

something that has def been on my mind. is how much does malea really mean to me. lately ive been feeling really detached. and i dunno. its just be bothering me alot.

so i went the main computer today and i saw my BIBLE verse it helped.

highlight of the day was korean BBQ it was lots of fun. and these people.
iknow will be life long friends.
because

i love them.

These walls are shaking
I hope we make it.

Please God break these holds.
I can’t let them go.

holding onto hope

malea. <33

i seroiusly think that is one of the cutest pics ever. w. my part of my vday present.
i think i need to write about my girlfriend. because we have been together for over a year now. and i really think. we can make it for forever

over a year ago. it all started with a phone call. as friends.
some guy had used her. and she was crying her eyes out.
i was there for her as a friend.
during that winter break. we would start to talk
anyway. a month or so later. we got together.
in mind that she had no relationship with God.
she was a really cool chick and agreed to change.
iknew she was a cutter and i knew people before
but i never found out jus how bad until later.

i dont think.
any normal teenage relationship
goes through anything so deep .

a bi-polar suicidal girlfriend.
that has everything i could ever want.

she has taught me to be a more loving and patient person.
there are no words to describe how much she has grown.

the conversations we have faced.
the situations we have gone through.

the idea that. she is slowly growing closer to God.
isnt just me.
its happening.
my patience for her is neverending.
my trust in God.
that HE will bring her to HIM is 100%
and i could never think otherwise.

i know that she really does love me.
i hope that i never lose her.
because.
she is everything i could ever want in a girl.
the depth of our relationship is.. vastt.

I PRAY THAT GOD WILL LET ME KEEP HER.
she is ALL in HIS hands.
EVERYTHING is in HIS HANDS

whatever happens IT IS GOD's will.

[ there is way more i coulda said. jus not now]

JESUS IS [MIDWINTER 2009]

this weekend was amazing. priceless. it def went by so fast. it was unbelievable. so i belive on saturday i was feeling the need to write something down for the blog. but it didnt turn out so good. and i ended up writing it down on sunday morning. because of the deep small group that we shared on sat. with blane. noah. and stevie. probably the best small group i have ever had. period.

friday.
consisted of. going to school. and giving my gf her vday presetn of a hugee stuffed animal. priceless. haha. so we headed up. and lets jus say the start of retreat was a total opposite of what we were gunna get that weekend. being up to 3:30 helping carry luggage up a hill because of the busses being stuck. was a humbling experience. that serving was for God.

saturday.
i have no idea. so many things go on.
tobe serious i wasnt feeling the speaker.
the morning sessions simple message is . that we cant know Jesus without having our own personal relationship with him.
thenn we had a snowball fight for prettymuch all of free time. haa.
the night session. the idea of "letting it go" that we had to let the things go that held us away from God. and i let go my problem with porn.
talking with nicko that night was real good because ive missed talking to him so muchh
that night . blane. stevie. noah. and i. had the best small group i have ever had. the ammount of sharing and support was amazing. i couldnt have asked for anything more.
i stayed up till 3 to talk to malea. cuz i missed her and she was missing me bad.

sunday.
morning session. i volunteered to be uhh example for the speaker. [see above pic]. and what she said about me. made me smile. and feel really good about myself. she said. that shes seen me around & that something about me made me want her to be able to meet me. that i seemed like a cool guy. that was an amazing compliment. i couldnt help but go up to her after and talk to her for a little bit about twloha. and then i offered for lunchh. spending lunchh with her was really cool. i jus wish i coulda had more time to talk deeper with her. i feel like there was so much i could have learned from her. just all of her knowledge of God seemed.. amazing.

that dayy.i chilled with lizzie. and michelle. most of the time during free time and talkin with random people around the way was real chil.

night time session. transformation.
we took communion. which was amazing.
priceless. no words to descrive communion.
talking with nicko again was good.
it was real nice to talk to erika in person about things.

then that night we jus had a chill small group. jus laughed our butts off.
then me and noah went over to pats cabin for intense truthordare. till 3.

written on sunday-
" i was thinking that i needed to get my thoughts on this peice of paper to blog this in attempt to get some...ideas out i guess.

i need to remember this feeling of connection & that i NEED to seek out this connection daily.

there are no words to describe the feeling of connection with God. "

monday-
got up dead tired.
had breakfast. and pretty much left
monday went by way to fast.
i didnt get to say goodbye to anyone :[

got home and my nap turned into me sleeping for 14hrs .

We are all lost in the sound of separation
Hands in the air and love at our sides
There's gotta be something bigger
With the beating in our throats
And the tremble in our grip
This can't be it
I'll come up for peace
I'll come down for truth
I'll give in, I'll give up for you
The floors are shaking
And we've lost our step
Oh Lord, have mercy on us all

this weekend. i gave up for HIM because HE is AMAZING

the SPEED at which we FALL

hmm yesterday was tuesday. hmmm. haha.
i dont even know. this week has been going by super fast which makes me happy cuzzz i wanna go to midwinter!
but it sucks that i dont get to spend vday with malea. cuz i really love her.
and it sucks not being w. yours lover on vday.
i couldnt be with her last year cuz my grandpa died.
and now i cant be with her again! :[ .
so i guess there is always next year.
sigh.

so there is like a crap load of people sick at school . im jus trying to last till at least friday.
or next friday cuz theres a partayyy next fridayy. :]

lalala.
i dunno mann.
im jus excited for friday.

sat. malea is spending the night w. one of her friends so ima give her friend part of my vdayy. gift so malea will get something on vdayy. hopefullly she isnt suspicious cuz i really want it to be a surprise. and like its the main part of my vday gifts. cuz its the DVD w. the mix CDs.
cuz on friday im giving her the gigantic stuffed animal :].

im looking forward to this weekend. cuz i dunno i jus feel like i need.
i guess it really is harder to hold together a relationship w. God with a non-christian gf.
but ive been doing it. jus not as much as i should.

to mention that the other day we had a long conversation about change w. her.
and shes still promising it to me.
so. im waiting it out.

hmm i dunno.
i dont have muchh to say i guess.
so heres some lyrics :].

Believe Me Once At Evenings Hush.
I'll Rise Above.. These Chains Will Come Undone.
And I've Walked These Halls, and I've Fallen Through So Many Cracks.
And The Speed At Which I Fall.... By A String I Remain Attached.

And I Want More, Tonight Is Worth Fighting For.
These Shivers Won't Last Too Long.
Close Your Eyes, Take A Breath And Let Go.

It's Safe To Say That I Have Seen Better Days.
I've Been Walking Along The Same Path...
Claiming That I Need A Change.
I'm Not Sure.. I'm Not Sure If I'm Ready.
And The Ground Beneath My Feet Feels Safe.
The Countdown To.... My ESCAPE.

This is THE LIFe we chose, this is THE LIFE I lead...

...They can NEVER take this from ME.

it always seems to me that i tend to blog after being pissed off at malea. or something that is really bothering. but i guess today i jus kinda want to talk. or whatever. i meant thats what this is for. so lets dive in.

pastweekend was really busyy. between. malea & family & school.[ the 7hrs of school work i compeleted this weekend]
i had to move me&maleas thing to friday. because my fam wanted to have dinner with me on sat for my bday. so me and malea chilled on friday and it was real good lots of fun and everything. we always have a good time together its amazing. really.

saturday. i slept in latee. felt good. till like 12:30 i know woww. i got like 14 hrs of sleep that night i really needed it bad. so i got up and started doing homework i did like 3 hrs on saturday. then went out to korean BBQ which is amazingg stuff. love it. then jus a cheap poker game w. my family that was pretty funn.

sunday. went to churchh. aimees points are way too short to remember. i mean seriously its monday i cant even remember what yesterday was about. not too good. then got back home ate. then. got my butt working on school work did 4 hrs of work till i finished. then i bounced my butt into cleaning mode . and cleaned downn my room spotless. like fosho. it was goood. then lets seee. thenn. i jus had a normal dinner with the parents. and then i went to the youth group. where we had a lot of small group time which was good. it gave us the opportunity to talk about a lot of things and get stuff out and start to build trust with each other. i wish. i had more down time w. the people there. we could def build friendships there that could last a long timee.

monday. not much today went to school. started w. physics which was boringg. found out i got a 91% on the test. verynice. hmm then math which was boring cuz we were gunna have a quiz then everyone talked him into moving it to tuesdayy. which i dont really care. cuz i hate math. haha. uhh english was boring doing new vocab. words so we have to make up our own sentences and what not. hmm oh i got back a quiz/test a 93%. hmm 6th period is "social justice" bahaha. we had a test . and we have something to be nominated for. and people were like nominate me and stuff so i got into the fun. haha. i think its for. "campus ministry" supposed to be a nice&caring person to everyone. [this will lead to another point later] so anyway did that stuff. then had lunchh. in the halls cuz it was pretty much pooring downn rainn. then i had spanish & i had a presentation and it went okayy. but i think my teacher didnt think i said enoughh. but i dont really care. cuz shes super annoiying&moody. so i had history which is a super laid back class. and i know a lot of people in that class so its like... im kinda big center of attention. and i can get loud. and i laught a lot & have a lot of fun. its chill. but i take notes & everything haha. then after school malea wanted a lil snackk so we went to the "snack bar" where we can buyy shizz. hinting "snack bar" haha. kayy. so one of our friends was infront of us. [insert idea from above] and she goes. heyy ryan. i nominated you for campus ministry and what not. and i was like ohh! coo! thanks! and blah blah blah. i think it kinda hit me. that ive done something real nice&caring to this person. for her to remember. cause believe me we do not even talk that muchh maybe. even an aquiantance. where shes come to me in some bad times. and ive been there. and seen her through those times. & it hit me that in my day. i do show the nice&caring heart to everyone. and it touched me that i am making a difference by showing love. :]

there are no words to describe how happy iwas to hear that from one person. whether or not i make it onto campus ministry or not. just to have her tell me that she thought of me was amazing. really.

hmm so today im lacking in the homework department which makes me very happy . since i worked my butt off this weekend. so i got this time to kinda sit back and chill out. put on a log in the fire. and its almost out. but. dont worry i have another one here ready to go! haha. jus been chillin watching some MADE on MTV. then i jus kinda sad down jumped on the laptop to listen to a few beats & thought why not throw out an extremely long blog. hah.

maybe one or two more thoughts.

one forsure.
midwinter is coming up.
hmm. malea is going to taste of chaos. and i have two worries. one is her health because of last time when she passed out it was really scary. and im kinda worried whether her friend is going to be there or not. cuz last time her friend got separated from us. and yea. second worry is i guess. her messin around or something. even tho i shouldnt be worried i am because alt shows there are a lot of guys there that uhh are visually appleaing to her. and im sure there are guys there lookin for some sexyy chica. and yea. thats it.

hmm so vday is coming up. and im gunna miss it which sucks big time. but yea im giving her stuff on friday which im excited for! yay!!!

ive been listening to a mix of music lately. im more into the calmer stuff. like death cab. and pompeii. and some other soft rock bands that arnt coming to my mind. oh well. i got this like super slow fold guy william fitzsimmons. which im bumpin too. i like it nice and sloww and everything. with super emotional lyrics. that i cant relate to tho. :/. hmm yea thats about all im listening to. [ here comes the end of the silence AKA my mom jus arrived home :/]

alright im think im out. and i leave you w. a day to remember lyrics :]

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again