emotional weekend.

since my last post. alot has happened.

..thursday night. she started to feel really depressed. she felt alone. 

friday night. her  mom was chewing her out for stuff..and..she almost.. yea. so. it was really hard on me. 

i dont know how much i can handle . im being emotionally worn down. and..

now im really worried/paranoid that .. she is going to do something.

even tho she promised me she wouldnt do IT. 

well. yea saturday igot to see her cuz it waas olivias bday. after everyone left.. it was jus me and her and i hlled her for a  long time. i think that was really good for the both of us. .. i know for me it was. and for her. she said she felt..protected. 

sunday was okay..my friend asked her if she wanted to to go therapy. but...she pretty much shot it down. and ive been reading alot and .. supposedly were not supposed to push someone into therapy.

today. we promised each other..to each other. 

big promise

and last night. 

i messed up really bad. 

i kept begging her that she would  call me when she goes to sleep like at 2  am or something but she really didnt want to wake me up. but finally i talked her into it. and..

i didnt answer.

i think thats litierally the first time i didnt answer my phone.

which leads me to be reallly worried about her. cuz i let her down.

i hope she didnt do anything.

yea. now. i sit here. and

im really pissed off at myself that i didnt wake up..

i messed up so bad.

i was freakin. 

crying . 

i hope shes okay.

i have to go to summer school. 

...

sigh.

bye

i think im done.

yesterday . we talked .

and yet again. she started getting emotional and saying how she would do anything to keep us together and if there was anything she could do to tell her. i jus told her that i didnt think that she cared anymore. and that. she never seems happy to see me. and she was like "okay! i can fix that". and like today i pretty much see no difference what so ever. so i think. i want a break. but im going to give this more thought. but. i really think i want a break. 

so instead of going straight home today. i was gunna go eat lunch with. spencer and kelly and spencers mom. so i invited malea and her mom. 

and she came.but she didnt even talk to me and of course she tells lethicia to come... no  offense. but uninvited guest. and whatever. 

it was jus akward and not fun. 

killed my idea for semi spending time with her. 

ugh. 

i jus. like. 

dont really see a point anymore.

whatever it was that was keeping us so close before is gone. 

and i keep staying in this relationiship hoping that i can find it again. which has happened in the past

but.  i feel so distant now. that it doesnt seem like.. we can fix this. 

like if we get a break. 

then. maybe we can realize what we have been missing .

but im really unsure. 

def. feeling unloved. 

well i think im done with this now. 

super pissed

its been two effin

hrs since this douche bag

has been here at my house doing shit for our house

and his voice is so effin loud

and im  effin hungry

and im effin pissed

eff. 

i almost dropped a eff bomb on him

summer school day 2

day 1 was ...hard and boring. especially for the 1st hr. 

she gave us the clay and then we had to make "pinch" pots

that took about 2hrs. 

then the other hr was for making "cluster pots" that wasnt as bad and was fun.

well. 

day 2. 

well see. 

malea says she can go on wens. to youth group. but. my mom has to take us. 

but i dont even think my mom gets work off that early. so i have to talk to her. 

today. 

well. 

im off i guess. 

later

summer school day 1

summer school i slike 5 weeks. 4 and half hrs each day. 

but i know about a third of the classs already hahaha. 

well. i dont think it will be that bad. 

an easy A. as people would say. ceramics classs. 

well .yesterday was good. 

went to MacArthur Park and fed the homeless. 

its not jus that. its amazing how you can feel God.

im always changed by going. whether im making a difference in peoples life. 

they are making a difference in my life

well. im off i wanna read.

wa wa wackkkk

freakin today

maleas friend asked me if i wanted to hook up and ssaid shes done with maleas bfs before and she hasnt found out. but whatever i told her to backk off and that i love malea too much. 

plus. i wouldnt do that stuff anywayy

whatever

brush it off

jus kinda chill today

worked outt

40mins =11.31 miles on bike

i think thats a good work out

and leg weights

i like working outtt

makes me feel goooood

hahha

well. 

yea

ive been bumping confide alot

and by the end of tonight ill have 22 plays all the way through the album

pretty cool stuff

alright well i guess im out

laterrr

yawn. yea no cavatiee

so. 

we couldnt get my passport didnt have the right forms

waste of time at the dentist jus for her to say i didnt have a cavatie

went to best buy to pick up confide but they didnt have it

uhhh. got home

worked out

came back

watchted the lakers get whooped on !!

well.

i dunno

i havnt

talked to malea much

and im a lil irritated

cuz she said shed be able to talk to me half an hr ago

and im staying up jus to talk to her. 

and yea. 

slightly upset

but

i love her

well im off

im gunna read

and wait for her call. 

im out. bye

blue like jazzz.

so i started reading blue like jazz yesterday for a considerable amount of time. 

jamie from twloha wrote a tad bit about it in one of his blogs so i decided to purchase it. 

its a .. very good book. i think. 

talks about alot of .. uhh. i dotn know how to describe it. 

uhhh ... ideas of Christianity. 

i guess. 

so things are going good with her. 

uhh sunday we fought about stuff. 

and her phone. wasnt working

so we had resolve the issue over text/aim. and that took an hr and half. 

but everything is jus fine now. no worries

uhhh today. 

getting our passports so we can go to canada. 

and then i have to go to the dentist. which isnt gunna be so good. cuz. 

i havnt been flossing

but oh well too late now. 

hmm. yeaa . ithink thats it.

im out

i think i have a problem...

WHY?

....

am i so un afraid of death. 

why do i not care. 

is there something wrong with me?

or am i jus that right with God. 

that im not afraid. 

i jus dont get it.

i understand how precious life is and how easy it can be taken away.

is that something i shouldnt be comfortable with?

uhh what day is it?

ha so ive been forgeting what day it is. 

first sign of summer being here. haha

well first of all something i wanted to put in yesterday. 

leaving the YMCA. yesterday. i helped open the door for this elderly women who was using a walker. and she said, thank you and that she really appreciated it. 

and.. it gave me a really good feeling. 

for that one  moment. i made a difference in someones life. and thats what i want to be. 

i want to make a difference in peoples lifes. 

well .. yea

so talked on the phone late again. 

slept in. 

then i looked at how ... we could do our own screen printing. which is something that could save me alot of money. and if we did it right. it would look professional. BUT BUT BUT!!  two of my partners dont see the point. and would rather me spend and risk all of my money. haha. there so thoughtful. i havnt talked to zane. but it would be hard for him to get down  here. but im thinking about trying it myself and trying to prove to them that it will look good. and then maybe they would help me. 

whatever. 

went out with the guys. 

ate dinner

saw zohan. (pretty stupid but funny)

now im home. 

admiring my lovely girlfriend. 

pool party tomorrow.  

but she might be . having her period. 

so ill prob stay outta the pool if she is so i can spend time with her. 

thats the whole point of me going to parties. is to be with her. 

since im not the party type

but whatever

well. 

yea im out later

whew. so first day of being off

i stayed up to 2am on the phone with the sexy ladyy

then slept in till 12

ate lunch with mom

watched sweeney todd

then....

haha then what.

i dunno

worked out

watched the lakers blow the game

and then here i am

so tomorrowo im jus chillin at home till 5 ish pats gunna pick me up. 

gunna watch zohan and eat some dinna

well ill have time to reflect

so i want to attempt to write something

so we'll see. 

yawn. 

i want to stay up late so i can sleep innnn

well im off night

summmmaaaaa

finally out yes

so far. 

i have yet to get a anything higher than a 74% on a final as i know. 

hahaha

sucksssssss

gpa is prob. gunna be 3.33

oh well. 

i tried

i failed

haha

whahtever

summa

asuckas

inhale exhale is legit

1st day of finals

well today i have history then religion. 

im not really sweating it cuz their both solid Bs 

im not sure what i have to get in history  

but in religion even if i fail i get a B- so im okay

so probably the same for history maybe. 

well.

i hate finals

i have chem and english

both of them are borderline sucksssssss

so yea. 

i get home early

haha

well im def. gunna work out this week cuz  i need the... whats it called. the good stuff runnin through my veins

alright im gunna bounce so i can study a lil bit more

im off laterrrr

conversation with her.

i dunno why it goes weird when i try to copy something in here so im gunna..post a picture of it.