maybe.

my eyes are starting to be opened to the reality of me and malea.
that MAYBE. she isnt the one
that MAYBE. God wants me to have someone else.
that MAYBE. God wants me to end our relationship

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

numb by linkin park

.confused.

the only words that i feel i can put on here.

this is the first time ive really questioned me and malea like this before.

im trippin
and its tearing me apart.

vbs update. life update(like every other blog)

new oh sleeper album cover. a broken pentagram representing that evil is vanquished both inside and out.

where to start. i never know
im still sick.
but not not much as a mess as i was on ... weds.
even though im running on like less than 5 hrs of sleep. but thats okayy. i feel good. jus a tad sleepy which is cool
this week. im feeling as if im walking away as a changed man.
and when people say that God bless you when you serve for me its so true.

even though i have to believe that my kids had their fun and laughed and enjoyed. i dunno if i brought them closer to Him. but i tried.
i have to believe that God brought me to vbs to give me a slap in the face to take my walk with HIM and give it a 180 degreee turn .
because i def tell you i wasnt walking with Him like i am now.

• yesterday doing worship infront of everyone i know i lost track of the moves i think... aha . but for a few mins i felt like it was the Holy Spirit moving me and not me. that i was being a tool for God..(tears) it was one of those amazing feelings thats undescribable.

• i also met a new friend named lindsey. that i believe God brought her to vbs and to me to help bring her back to Him.and tonight i get to hear her story.

• serving w. stevie for our small group has given me a feeling of being closer to him my buddy. if your reading this i love you man

• this week my relationship with malea has been blessed. w. no arguements w. her being understanding about me going everynight earlyy as frickk till pretty late. and her lettingme sleep early because of me being sick. which is a huge blessing

this week God has touched me. with a huge slap in the face. but a nice one a nice soft one. hehe.

on a different thought oh, sleeper put out a new single. "son of morning" which is written in the idea of the devil singing it. which jus racks my brain. bands that write lyrics that do something new that think outside of the box is just amazing. and i know that i will never let my LIGHT go out. that i need to keep SHINING.(referring to lyrics below)

I am the rival. I am the one who speaks in whispers.
Hear me now, dear, weak forgiver.
Hear me now, weak forgiver. Hear me now...
Don't send an angel to face the devil.
Your wasting power on grace. A maggot will always seek to feed from the grave,
Where I'll lead them and teach them to feast on the skin that defeats them, the skin they crave.
"If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see, it's by my grace that you're breathing."
If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see.
Every night I start my rise, climbing high into the morning sky,
But soon after I lose your bride and I damn your son for stealing my light.
This world is mine...
They call me the son of the morning.
I can mound all your fallen past the clouds as they roll in,
And when I do I will claim your throne through all these cowards you call your sons.
I am the lord of air and my dawn will last forever.
Go on pouring out because in the end I will have them.
"If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything...
If you could see like me you'd see, it's by my grace that you're breathing."
If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see, your precious light is fading.
Your light is fading.

son of the morning by oh, sleeper

summer 09 . a few thoughts on love. & vbs . haha. nice combination

hmm so i always have a hard time gathering all my thoughts into this blog. i mean my mind travels like 029348390 miles per hr. (lawlz i hit 0 for the first #)

lets do.. thoughts on love.
michael jackson passed away. and this morning i woke up and my mom was watching the memorial. and by the things that everything was saying that this man was a man of LOVE a man that used his music to change lives through LOVE. i few thoughts went back into my head about how when i was younger and he was accused of doing stuff w. little kids that i used to HATE on him and not LOVE on him. and now its hitting me that now i need to LOVE what this man was and to remember what he stood for and live my life how he choose to live his. he gave huge amounts of money to charities he changed lives. and you can tell that he did by the huge amounts of people that watched the memorial service on tv and the amout of people that even signed up for it. learned today that i can never have enough love. and i always need to strive for better.

thoughts on vbs.
hmm verry different for me to be doing worship and leading. i think leading kids is hard for me enough. but stepping out to do worship. i dont think its hit me that im standing infront of like .. 100+ kids. its pretty insane for me. im pretty happy that im doing it and its a lot of fun.
these last few days have been a huge improvement on my .. lets say falling relationship w. God.
made a new friend on the worship team lindsey.
learned interesting things taking to her on facebook aim or whatever yesterday.
learned that she used to go to venice but when her mom passed she had to start going to a catholic church because her dad is catholic.
she mentioned that everyone was really nice at church . and i think its giving her a second thought about religion.
i told her id take her around to meet people cuz i feel like .. i needa watch over her.

hmm so because my walk is getting better i think that im being spiritually attacked by satan. because i got sick today. after feeling closer to God after day one of vbs and talking w. lindsey that.. satan doesnt like how thiings are going. so todayy. after vbs. i check my phone and my friend emily from conneticut called listen to the voicemail. "ryan i need you . call me back as soon as you can." . i have known emily now for a year. i feel like God has called me to take of her. today i talked to her on the phone for 1hr when i got home. and what makes it all worth it is "thanks ryan you made me happy again". <-- that touched me like no other.

i think im done here. im outt.