positve influence by nonchristians [leticia]

its been a long time since i last posted. i dunno with the hope of me writing this has been on my mind for a lil while. are the peoples lives around me that have a positive influence no matter how unchristian they are. or whether they know it or not.

leticia. my friend for 3years now. i met her through malea. maybe one of the worst moral persons i know. in no way do i mean to bad mouth anyone. i sincerely love leticia for who she is. leticia smokes and other drugs. shes probably slept with so many guys she cant even count. she drinks so much she barely remembers her weekends. but.
what ive learned through leticia. is love. accepting others. and living life by the moment.
i remember first trying to become with malea's friends. probably one of the nicest loving person i met was leticia. even though she may party more than once a weekend and doesnt remember anything. leticia accepted me as a straightedge person. never has she tried to convince me to drink or do drugs. she's said to me that she respects who i am and what i stand for. so therefore in return no matter how much i disagree with her morals i am able to respect what she believes and who she is. leticia has always been one of those people that doesnt stand for the future. but makes the best out of every moment making her a extremely fun person to be around. she wont let others opinions effect how she thinks she lives how she wants to.

if it wasnt for leticia. i wouldnt be so accepting and unjudgemental of others. that no matter how people are acting i love them i accept them. that i need to live my life as a Christian by the moment and not let others get in the way of how i walk with God.

leticia has changed my life . whether she knows it or not.

for some reason i dont want to blog.

i guess there is just a lot on my mind. and i cant control it.
im hating it.

lately ive been really sick of not living. with everything i have for God.
i feel like.
school is holding me back from somuch more.

i just want to do more.
.. i dont know.
i feel like God is pushing me .
but.. i have no idea what direction im heading.

before i have a volcanic eruption

im prettyyy sick of some people getting on my nerves lately.

hate it when...
people push me to say things that i dont want to say.
and when i say it. it messes shit up.
well.. maybe that was the effing reason i didnt want to say it.
ever think of that?

im tired of people telling me how i feel.
because you dont know what the frick is going on with me.
i dont bother telling you how i feel.
there is no way you could possibly understand me.
because i feel the way i do because this is me.
im not you.
nor will i ever be.

tireddd of bullshittttt.

a blessing.

last night i wasnt in the best moood. its the truth.
hard to hear of heart breaks.
its break up season. fyi.
umm.

so anyways. mari anna randomly fb messaged me. and thanked me for helping on sunday. which was no problem at all.
uhh then she kinda asked about what happened with malea.
and she gave me a verse. and it was pretty relaxing last night.
i think it really helped me be able to go to sleep.

Psalms 63:1-8
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

³ Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

⁷ Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

⁸ My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

this was kinda part of my prayer last night :]

the end.
off to school :/
denim day.
readyy to get hated on for the jeans . ha

future.

for a long time now ive been wanting to intern at to write love on her arms. andd.. highschool is coming to an end.
i have to start making decisions of my own..
one thing that bothers me.
is my concern of making my parents proud.
and right now.
i think i want to intern for to write love on her arms. out of high school.
which would require me missing a semester of school.

sigh.

life future.
owning a concert venue.
and the idea of it being a church jus came from me and stevie talking
i guess last night laying in bed after prayed.
it came to me that i could be a pastor.
the concert venue would encourage people to go to church.
but... more of a chill back.
like service once a month.
small group.
thats what came to me last night. haha.

i dont know.

despite certainty. YOU'VE been the only constant thing.

loveeeee the glorious unseen. sooo amazing.

hmmm. so the reason i came on here to post was cause. when i heard about DJ AM my first thoughts were.. what an idiot it was his fault or whatever. jus kinda being a jerk. and today i went on myspace. and i see that to write love on her arms has a new blog. and its alink to a mtv article about DJ AM about how what i so strongly believe in twloha. that they bring hope to people like him. and that i was not being a loving person.

i can be a loving person but... there is always room for improvement. and i cant ever forget that.

theres prob more i want to say but im pretty sleepy. nap time

a calling.

for some reason this morning God wanted me to hear the message.
my calling... i feel is to do something different. something new. as my career.
but exactly what.. i dont know. im starting to doubt that its social work.

today has just be a good day.
wake up early. worship was good. and i enjoyed the message.
which wasnt my expectation when i heard it was gary gaulton.

2nd slot at church.
centinela cafe with noah. haha. fun.
chilli cheese fries.
practicing vbs stuff.
chillin w. the hs.

3rd slot.
lead the kids for worship. :]
thenn more chill time w. high schoolers.

got home.
took a nap :]

woke up.
oh, sleeper on surround sound.
homework.
dinner.

outside in the patio.
relaxing to the peaecfullness.
of being outside and the home surround sound carrying to the outside :]

beautiful .

the hope that lies in YOU.

so im attempting to read purpose for the pain for the second time :].

something from there that i loved.

God, make me SHINING star in the universe, give me ears to hear, eyes to see, and a heart to understand.

an escape =

my friends. <3

fragility of life.

going online yesterday. i IMed what i thought to be as emily. and turned out being her friend gina. who says that she is looking for someone. and asked if i could help. and my response being.. sure i can help but i probably cant find who you are looking for.. im all the way in cali. and she says .. .is your name Ryan?... yes.. i have to tell you something... at that moment... my heart drops. and the only thing i can think of is that.. emily died. thank God. it wasnt that.. but infact she was in the hospital and that gina had found her at home...passed out and gina called 911. emily lost a lot of blood and.. that her heart might not fully recover from the amount of blood loss. but.. shes doing pretty good now....as far as i can tell. im just really scared.

me personally think that i take granted how fragile life is. not just for myself. for the people around me. and for that reason i believe that is why when we lose someone we love we sometimes want to blame someone.. which ends up being God. but what i have learned is that life is so fragile and each day that im here.. each second that i am here.. i have something to be grateful for. im not promised anytime here on earth and no one is.

today i have been extremely out of it and i think its because with the situation with emily.. it opened my eyes to seeing the fragility of life.

by the way i find it ... amazing that i subconciously wrote "opened my eyes".
God opened my eyes.

shining.

the hope that lies in you by the glorious unseen. probably the best worship music hands down.
i really have two things to say.. but there is no way i cant put them in the same post.

i jus had to make a point. whenever i read this to remind myself.
that i am making a difference.
lindsey told me that she had to write about the person who has shown their faith to her the most.
she picked me.

Son of The Morning

frickin. oh, sleeper puts out the best music. best lyrics.. i dunno its jus so beautiful.
favs so far would have to be. the new breed.

Reclaiming thrones, our generation’s pride,
sits a conformist ploy to strip what burns inside.
Our bodies yearn to live life endlessly, so now we rise. We rise in mutiny.
We make our stand here between the angels and animals.
We fear nothing here, where we can beat any feat set to keep us crawling.
We’re calling you here to give leave to destruction of fear
and stand tall against all who will dare to shake you. Don’t let them shake you.
"Stand strong, where I could not, please stand strong"
Oh please, this plea, dear God, let it not from my lips be conceived.
So grip your fist and swing until your knuckles bleed.
If you are the new breed scream, "I am immortal!"
We can’t sit quietly because there’s more to life than we see.
So if you are the new breed scream, "I am Immortal in you!"
This is the call of the new breed.
I want to feel what change your glory brings.
Please teach me life lived fearlessly and I swear I’ll make a stand here,
between the angels and animals and fear nothing.
Here, where I can be more than mortal and fight for a kingdom that answers to no one.
But I just cant breathe without you in the air and I won’t so rip out these lungs...
and for my heart, you can cut it from my chest.
Oh God, if that’s what you want, for me to feel life endlessly...
I’ll breathe your blood for the rest of my life.
So grip your fist and swing until your knuckles bleed.
If you are the new breed scream, "I am immortal!"
We can’t sit quietly because there’s more to life than we see.
So if you are the new breed scream, "I am Immortal in you!"
We’ll be death’s dealers, if that’s where you lead.
Anchored by glory, we rise in mutiny.
We are the new breed. We are the new breed.
We’ve come alive and we are moving.

freaking love the song. love the bold more. maybe i can get . "the new breed" or "I am immortal in YOU" on my lip :].

attempt at deep thought.

hmm. God talk time C:
nothing like listening to The Glorious Unseen to get me in a spiritual mood. :]. they are truly amazing .

freakk. one of those times .. where i cant find the words.

i guess its really amazing when you make new friends... and you have them telling you "i can tell God is shining through u right now" (saved the text :])

the coolest God moment this week has go to be that i have been trying to open up to God more through prayer. and hearing Him and asking Him to work through me. so sunday night i was praying and i felt like God was telling me to tell lauren tang that He knows that she is going through a hard time but not to give up because she is doing His work. tonight i finally got the chance to catch her on facebook only had 5 mins. so i told her what i jus explained. and she said that she really needed to hear that right now and that it really helped. (im about to start crying) whenever i open myself up to God and i think i hear Him. its extremely hard for me to go to the person that He tells me to and deliver the message but i am learning that i need to have more faith.

another cool God moment would be talking to cristina gregoris. whom i havnt talked to in a year . we did some catching up on FB chat. and it was really amazing to hear how she went to India and how it was life changing for her. and we talked a lil bit about how her friends dont understand her and she knew that i would understand her. thats why she came to me to talk about it i guess. which leads to me to big thought of the night.

the secular world.

its been pretty weird going back to school because i dont like to hang with people from school that often because of our.... spiritual diffeerences and how they arnt the best people around. so summer was spent mostly around family and church friends. and its jus different being back at school. it was really interesting for me to talk to cristina because.. shes caught up in the party scene and everything.. but inside shes changing. it was really nice for me to connect with her.

tonight. watching trailers for the new movies coming.. maybe it was jus cause i was seeing R movie. but the movies coming out jus seem to be getting worse. its jus weird how ... movies can be put out like that and people pick it up. i dunno how to explain it . blankingg. so im done. :]

space.

earlier i posted how i was really thinking about giving malea another shot.
but like.
she has really been.... not giving me my myspace.
and for some reason that is making me rethink getting back together with her.
i dont know what to think.
i dont think i can handle much more.

plane ride home. and theres only one thing on my mind..

... malea.

I've been thinking a lot about the decision I made about braking up with malea . And that now that
she has found God. That I want to try another time. But something so
much different than before. That if she is ready we will rebuild our
relationship with God as our foundation.... Jus saying that brings
tears to my eyes. I believe that I needed to rebuild myself with God
as my foundation and now she has done the same. So ... We are ready to
make him a foundation in a renewed relationship. I think a lot of my
friends are going to disagree with my decision . But for me .... this
is what I want and no one is going to stop me. That I will only start
a new relationship with malea if she is ready to hav a relationship
with God as our foundation.

thats what i wrote on the plane ride. i feel way too lazy to fix gramatical errors and what not.

kauai.
was amazing :].

i jus wanna leave for camp.
right now.
but i have to wait :[

poemmmm.

i woke up this morning inspired to write a poem.
hopefully i can write it now.

Titled: "I'm Okay"

An autbiography entitled "The Life of Ryan Kenji Granucci"
This Chapter Reads "I'm Okay"
however there is fine print.
and my view is currently clouded.
excuse me sir
excuse me ma'am
can i ask for assistance?
what does the fine print say?
does it truly read that i am indeed okay.
in fact the pain in my chest says otherwise.
nevertheless the smile on my face says I'm Okay.

time.

time.
is the true healer.
at that moment.
when time heals.
i can end the chapter.
and begin

a NEW chapter.



______

that feels so good to write. :].

self evaluation.

i am supposed to NOT be okay
but ..
do i only think i am okay
or am i really okay.
this is a attempt to dig deeper.

to be the freakin RAW.
raw: being in natural condition; not processed or refined.

this is a attempt of transparency
transparent: obvious

that everyone i talk to expects me to be crying my eyes out.
is there something wrong w. me
or is it jus that.
there isnt anything to worry about
decisions are made
choices were made
and the only thing left is the future
the unknown

that the only thing i care about is the future
because in the now
is not how im living

but .. something sounds so wrong with that.

living in the now.
the now.
i dont know what that means.
if im living for today.
im still living for the future
i dont know what today holds.
who i will talk to today.
i dont know
who will call me
who will txt me
i dont know

so we are living for the future.

what is raw about me.
im here just as i am.
it hurts. but. why..
the onlyy reason i believe it hurts.
she isnt here to love me.
but i have friends to love me
so im okay

i dont know what everyone
is expecting from me
what does everyone want.

i can talk about things that i do know.
which is.
i miss stevie.
right now maybe im only comfortable enough.
to talk to him.
maybe because he is such a good friend that he knows what i need.

i know that.
jayce and nicko.
i cant talk to them anymore
or yet
do i have the want to talk to them.
i feel like i get no confedentiality from them.

i dont know what to blog.
im done.. for now ill try again later.

maybe.

my eyes are starting to be opened to the reality of me and malea.
that MAYBE. she isnt the one
that MAYBE. God wants me to have someone else.
that MAYBE. God wants me to end our relationship

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

numb by linkin park

.confused.

the only words that i feel i can put on here.

this is the first time ive really questioned me and malea like this before.

im trippin
and its tearing me apart.

vbs update. life update(like every other blog)

new oh sleeper album cover. a broken pentagram representing that evil is vanquished both inside and out.

where to start. i never know
im still sick.
but not not much as a mess as i was on ... weds.
even though im running on like less than 5 hrs of sleep. but thats okayy. i feel good. jus a tad sleepy which is cool
this week. im feeling as if im walking away as a changed man.
and when people say that God bless you when you serve for me its so true.

even though i have to believe that my kids had their fun and laughed and enjoyed. i dunno if i brought them closer to Him. but i tried.
i have to believe that God brought me to vbs to give me a slap in the face to take my walk with HIM and give it a 180 degreee turn .
because i def tell you i wasnt walking with Him like i am now.

• yesterday doing worship infront of everyone i know i lost track of the moves i think... aha . but for a few mins i felt like it was the Holy Spirit moving me and not me. that i was being a tool for God..(tears) it was one of those amazing feelings thats undescribable.

• i also met a new friend named lindsey. that i believe God brought her to vbs and to me to help bring her back to Him.and tonight i get to hear her story.

• serving w. stevie for our small group has given me a feeling of being closer to him my buddy. if your reading this i love you man

• this week my relationship with malea has been blessed. w. no arguements w. her being understanding about me going everynight earlyy as frickk till pretty late. and her lettingme sleep early because of me being sick. which is a huge blessing

this week God has touched me. with a huge slap in the face. but a nice one a nice soft one. hehe.

on a different thought oh, sleeper put out a new single. "son of morning" which is written in the idea of the devil singing it. which jus racks my brain. bands that write lyrics that do something new that think outside of the box is just amazing. and i know that i will never let my LIGHT go out. that i need to keep SHINING.(referring to lyrics below)

I am the rival. I am the one who speaks in whispers.
Hear me now, dear, weak forgiver.
Hear me now, weak forgiver. Hear me now...
Don't send an angel to face the devil.
Your wasting power on grace. A maggot will always seek to feed from the grave,
Where I'll lead them and teach them to feast on the skin that defeats them, the skin they crave.
"If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see, it's by my grace that you're breathing."
If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see.
Every night I start my rise, climbing high into the morning sky,
But soon after I lose your bride and I damn your son for stealing my light.
This world is mine...
They call me the son of the morning.
I can mound all your fallen past the clouds as they roll in,
And when I do I will claim your throne through all these cowards you call your sons.
I am the lord of air and my dawn will last forever.
Go on pouring out because in the end I will have them.
"If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything...
If you could see like me you'd see, it's by my grace that you're breathing."
If you could see like me you'd see you haven't won anything.
If you could see like me you'd see, your precious light is fading.
Your light is fading.

son of the morning by oh, sleeper